After reading this blog posting about Adam Duritz‘s dissociative disorder, it’s been on my mind. So last night as I was heading to work I well, dissociated from my body. I still am to some degree right now. And here are some remarks I wrote down about it.
This was all written in writing that’s not my usual style. (Except for some parts when I slip back into my body).
I don’t feel real. Like I am not in my head. Whose head am I in then? Or is someone else in mine? I should laugh, I do feel amused by that thought “Whose head am I in?”. But I only stare. Dissociation.
I walk around. Like I need to familiarize myself with a building I have worked in for 2 years. But, it all looks new, like it is the first time I am seeing these things.
I have my music on. Headphones pumping directly into my ears. I don’t think my new music came with me tonight. Transfer failure? Usually I would sing to the music, at least sway or hum. But I feel unmoved by the tunes. Inwardly, I do these things. My body refused to react in any appropriate manner. It’s almost like being drunk. I hope no one shows up. My actions will cause alarm. “
There were doors opening and closing. So i went off to work for a while. And a couple of people did come in. I didn’t act strange, but then again they only walk by me and sometimes say “Hi”.
I am an exaggeration of myself. A caricature. I do things to experience how they feel, the sounds, the results. Ripping, dumping, pushing, squishing. I look at my body parts as separate. It’s hard to see myself as connected. Even when I take a moment to experience my body, it doesn’t seem real. I feel slightly uncoordinated. I move in super slow mo, or past. Exaggerated movements, but it doesn’t registered. I’m testing out how my body works.
It’s tiring. It’s giving me a headache. It’s a bit like being drunk. Slightly enjoyable- the feeling of losing all inhibitions.
More working. I listened to some Quirky Nomads and read on the stairs, which brought me back in. For a bit.
I have slipped back to reality. And Then I Fall Out- Like That.
It’s nice. Y’know. Not feeling. It’s like a break from life, from feelings.
Surreal. I watch myself go through the motions. Good thing I’ve been here 2 years. I don’t have to think. My body does what needs to be done.
I don’t feel. Nothing really registers. I have to keep touching myself to make sure I’m really there.
I like that Zemanta gave me a link to Wikipedia for reality. I’m still completely out of it this morning I realize and only interacting with someone is going to make me come back in. So I’m going to work on my novel, it’s coming together. It is it is.
And I’m an auntie (again technically but the rest are on my partner’s side). So congrats to my brother and his gf and the yet unnamed baby Niece!