I am feeling annoyed with myself over my inability to make myself understood. I worry I come off self-centered and snobbish. This comes from introversion. I stay quiet in most conversations, living most of my time within my own thoughts. When I do speak I don’t ask/comment on others. And I often expect people are living in my thoughts. Only occasionally because I believe I have said them out loud, but mostly I just believe other people have my reality, my thoughts.
When I have to make phone calls I usually plan my exact words. When I don’t have a plan (as in the phone call before I wrote this) I stumble over my words, confuse the person on the other end.
When I know I am going to be visiting with a specific someone I plan questions to ask them. I realize given the chance I will speak only of myself.
When I fail to plan, I end up assuming the other person thinks I am an idiot. It may or may not be true. But, I find myself making up for my conversation confusion by apologizing or explaining myself later when I’ve had time to plan. By which time the other person has totally forgot the conversation. Thus proving, other people don’t think about me half as much as I think of myself.
Thinking too much about what other people thing of me is a sign of my self-centeredness and my anxiety. When it comes to interaction and other people I need to become more Zen-like. Observe, accept, let go.
It’s a writer thing too. i am always working on ways to improve, to edit, my words. With writing, at least, I can make myself as clear as I desire before I “speak”. I can make myself more succinct, eloquent, or I can choose not to say anything at all. I can write all my angry words and then burn them so no one knows.
If anyone knows me, they’ll know I usually don’t say much. Before I get to an edit, I decide my words are too stupid to show anyone. I wrote (and think) a lot more than I speak.
So thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to write. It has saved my life in the past. IT saves my sanity frequently. And it feeds my soul.
And thank you to all the writers who have dared to put themselves out there, just sharing is an act of courage. There is a wide world of criticism. awaiting, but also silence. And praise. Even if I disagree with you, you have inspired someone. I am grateful to everyone who has inspired me.
Observe, Accept, Let Go