This starts out okay, but then it goes off track somewhere. This is not a criticism of Romance Novels (I loves me some romance), fairy tales, or anything else. It’s a criticism of teaching girls that finding and sacrificing things for their perfect man is the ideal.
Examining the idea that writing out a fantasy purges it from my mind. Usually I write it as a Happily Ever After (HEA). Something my treacherous little “heart” still believes is the ideal and people with HEA don’t experience ANY problems. Once you find TRUE LOVE, your SOUL MATE, nothing goes wrong every again.
That’s just New Relationship Energy (NRE). The end of a fairy tale or romance novel happens just after the people involved admit they love each other. Not six months, one year, ten years in the future. They only have the “I LOVE YOU forever” ending, and maybe a wedding. Where someone has likely sacrificed something for their person, but it’s all right because they are MEANT to be.
NRE is an addicting feeling. One I believed was the ideal.
My life is supposed to be the ideal. For the most part, it’s all good. I’m happy.
Sexual energy is where I falter. I cannot consciously be in my body and enjoy sex. Therefore, I have become obsessive with sex. How to have it, how to avoid it. What turns me on, what turns people on.
I don’t hate myself for these thoughts. Not as much as I used to. I usually beat myself up for my darker fantasies, imaginging and being turned on by things I do consider wrong.
Mostly I hide from sex to avoid panicking during partner sex. Dissociation and sex are the only way I can manage. It’s very similar to getting drunk to have sex. I don’t do it sober.
I am only stating this because I don’t like how this situation is right now. I just really don’t know how to change it, without having a few panicky sexual experiences. And I can’t have those without the assistance of my partner and I don’t think he can handle it. Maybe I am wrong, but all the times we have talked about it in the past he has been quite negative about it.
Perhaps I need to find a therapist again. There seems like something I am missing here. Some important information, some insight.