I keep hoping my mother will be the mother I want her to be.
It’s kinda of like banging my head against a wall.
In the past she has expressed her desire that I be everything. A stay at home mom, work full time, and go to school. Mind you it was on different occasions that she said each statement, but it’s like MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
She also wishes I were perfect. I mean the perfect housekeeper. I am not. She is Born Organized (read up on flylady.net if you want to know more), I am a Side-Tracked Home Excutive (SHE). I hate housework. I start things and never finish them. Sometimes we still have last night’s dishes on the table the next morning. My house isn’t a hazard like you might see on How Clean Is Your House? I rarely leave dishes more than 16 hours. I clean the bathrooms sporadically and I keep us in clean clothing.
We have a lot of clutter. Last weekend when a high school friend of my husband’s showed up, I had to take 15 minutes to find the spare bed. Thank goodness he was only sleeping one night in there and had no suitcases (it was also good because he had no vehicle nor a job). Anyway, my desk is piled with papers, toys litter various areas and the floor could use a sweep. (but you aren’t sticking to the floor and as of two days ago the funky fridge smell is gone).
Anyway you get the picture.
My mother is obessively clean. Her house is perfect. I could excuse myself by saying that she doesn’t have a kid and I do. That’s an excuse. I’m lazy. I just don’t really care. My partner cares more than me, but he doesn’t do anything to remedy it, so …
I invite her over last night. Stupid stupid stupid. I’m still beating myself up for it.
She starts in on the things that are wrong. I get defensive and hurt. Wondering why she can’t be the mother I want her to be? The mother you see on TV. Which is a stupid thing to want.
I have to stop running into the same wall. It’s counterproductive and it hurts.
Then again is being accepted unconditionally too much to ask for? (this is rhetorical and needs no answer).