Being the bad guy

I’m feeling like the bad guy in my relationship this weekend. My partner started on a project that I wanted to do. The only problem is I think of the things and he acts on them before I’ve really decided I want it done. When it comes to him, he wants it done NOW.

We don’t have the money to have it done NOW the way he wants it done, which is with pricey wood. We just spent half our meager savings on his truck. (We did spend the same amount on my car last year). I know it was a necessity to have the vehicles running optimally, but now I need to focus on rebuilding our savings.

I’m feeling like I cannot rebuild our savings because we have house insurance, property taxes and the camper insurance coming due in the next few months. Not to mention all the other bills, like food and his cigarettes and the gas for his slightly gas guzzling SUV.

So I have to say “sorry we cannot afford the wood this weekend. you can buy more when you get paid”. And I have to see the slightly annoyed/fallen look on his face when I say that. Like I’m his fucking mother who is saying no to a new toy. I don’t like it to be like that.

I feel like I have the sole responsibility of the finances on my shoulders and in my brain. I have a running tally of how much disposable income we have. And lately it’s not been running too well. It’s really annoying when he spends money for work out of his account and I don’t have a fucking clue if they are reimbursing him properly.

I’m also feeling my hormones wrecking havoc with my emotions and it’s not really helping me with the guilty feelings. I don’t want to be saying NO, because I am working part time and not making a lot of money and he makes most of it, but what am I supposed to do. I have to pay the bills and buy food and make sure he has money for cigarettes. Apparently.

Maybe I need to remind him of all this instead of ranting about it here.

Anyway, this boils down to NOT the simple life. It’s a chaotic life right now.

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