New Blurb for Second Chance

I joined a writer’s forum. And they have a new indie section and a discussion ensued about writing a good blurb. Which Konrath et al say is the corner-stone to sales.

This is my old blurb:

12 years ago Kip Turner let the girl of his dreams go to pursue his dream of playing hockey. Kip and Mandy were opposites in high school. He was popular and good-looking. She was unathletic and shy. Despite their differences they fall in love. A year after high school, Kip is drafted into the NHL. He’s going to a play across the country. Mandy is pursuing her dream of becoming a teacher and she refuses to go with him while insisting that Kip follow his own dream. Kip goes to follow his dream and they break off their relationship. 12 years later … They come into contact again. Mandy is a single mother and Kip has been playing hockey. But fate has moved them to neighboring Albertan cities. Could they renew their old relationship and have a successful end? Or is Mandy going to let him go all over again?

What went wrong:

Kip is the main focus. I admit I focus on the males more. Romance is more about the female’s journey. Also a lot of passive words in there.

It is longer than a paragraph. Blurbs are a quick hook. This is not quick. It rambles.

It lacks a strong hook. Again rambling and missing strong, evocoative langauge.

Enter Karen McQuestion’s method for crafting a blurb. Great advice.

Following her advice I went to Mandy as the main character and her situation:

Mandy Green is happy juggling her life as a single mom and her dream job as a third grade teacher.

Then what changes

Her world is knocked on its edge when her high school sweetheart connects with her via Facebook.

And what occurs next is:

Mandy decides on one, last date with Kip to finally move on. Kip isn’t quite so ready to let go.

Hype. I failed with this one. I consider my blurbs Work-In-Progress. I have to work my longer version. Maybe.And i have to remove the passive voice.

strong verbs and specific nouns I used:

juggling her life

single mom

dream job

Her world

high school sweetheart

connects

dare

second chance

first love

The final product:

Mandy Green is happy juggling her life as a single mom and her dream job as a third grade teacher. Her world is knocked on its edge when her high school sweetheart connects with her via Facebook. Mandy decides on one, last date with Kip to finally move on. Kip isn’t quite so ready to let go. Will Mandy dare to take a second chance with her first love?

Better? I think so. And it will get better from here.

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Filed under editing, Fiction, FUN, grammar, reading, Second Chance Romance, writing

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